Snape, Lupin, and the 77 bunnies
by Granny Yaga
Summary: 77 short SnapeLupin stories.


**Author's Note:** Below are 77 short stories based on Plot Bunnies that can be found at I didn't take on all the plot bunnies; I just picked the ones I liked most. Please leave a review and tell me which one you liked best! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** The characters of the Harry Potter world do not belong to me; they belong to J.K. Rowling.

**17) Snape shivers down to his toes whenever Lupin growls. **

"Severus? I couldn't help but notice that…that you shiver every time I growl…"

"Yes, indeed. The fact is, the breath that escapes your throat whenever you feel the need to indulge in your primitive urge for growling is simply horrendous. Merlin's beard, have a breathmint or something."

**20) One of the pairing is sick and tired of the way others perceive him and decides to change that. **

"Lupin, what's that?"

"It's a tattoo. I'm really not a kind, considerate gentleman, you know. I'm tough and rugged. ROAR!"

"Lupin, that's a tattoo of two pixies hugging on a cloud of hearts..."

**22) How did Remus spend the years till PoA? How did he become an expert in DADA, or Master of DADA? Maybe he traveled the world? Snape thinks he is still the quiet, intelligent bookworm. How will he react, when he find out the truth? **

"Severus, stop laughing. This isn't funny!"

"Yes it is! You…a pirate?!?"

**26) All werewolves must have an owner. **

"Hold still Lupin! You must wear an identification mark. You _will_ wear this collar!"

**27) Remus/Snape bought Snape/Remus in a charity auction. Humor fic is preferable. **

"Severus, what's that you're holding?"

"This? It's something the muggles call an 'action figure'. I bought it at an auction. It's amazing how much it looks like you! :snap!: "Oh look! Removable legs!" :snap!: "Oh look! Removable arms!" :snap!: "Oh look! The head comes off as well! Wow, this doll is all I ever dreamt of!"

**28) Remus was given to Snape as a gift by Voldemort. **

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday puny minion, happy birthday to you!"

"Thank you, my lord." :glances at Lucius Malfoy: "This is much, much better than a gift certificate for a beauty center."

**32) Remus and Severus were bonded for life by a Potion accident. **

"You know Severus, I believe muggle doctors are quite capable of separating Siamese twins…"

**33) Severus was devastated after Sirius' death. Why? How could Remus help? **

"Severus, don't cry…"

"Why? Why did he fall through that curtain? Why did he have to die like that?"

"Oh Severus, it's okay…"

"I mean, he knows how much I wanted to be the one to kill him. How could he take that joy away from me?"

**35) Remus was about to be put down by the new regulation from the Ministry. What did Severus do? **

"Remus John Lupin, do you have any last requests?"

"Yes. Could you please tell the sallow-skinned man in the back that his cheers and his eating of popcorn are highly annoying?"

**36) AU. In desperation, Lord Remus Lupin vowed to gave half of his gold to any male who could cure him or if she was a maiden marry her. But the poor and unattractive Potions Master didn't want the gold... **

"But Severus! I'll give you all my gold!"

"Firstly, you're poor. I think I can manage without your grand sum of 15 sickles and 4 knuts. Secondly, even if you were rich I wouldn't want your money. Seeing you suffer because of your condition is worth far, far moer than you can ever give me. I'm not giving you the cure."

**38) Remus didn't realize that he was in love with Snape. Until he instinctively took the hit that was meant for the snarky Potions Master. **

"Severus, I…I love you."

"Shut up Lupin. You just took the full blast of a Love Spell that was aimed at me. You don't know what you're saying."

**40) Remus was captured by Voldemort, but rescuing him would blow Snape's cover as a spy. What would Snape do? **

"Sorry Lupin, I must protect my cover. Prepare to die."

"But Severus, Dumbledore has a foolproof plan that would allow you to save me without blowing your cover. We will just-"

"Lalalalala! Can't hear you! Sorry Lupin, I must protect my cover. Prepare to die!"

**43) AU. What if the Shrieking Shack incident were never happened? **

"You could have stopped Quirrel from jinxing Harry's broom! But you didn't! You let an innocent 11-year old boy plummet to his death!"

"So? It's not like I owed the kid anything."

**44) AU. What if the Marauders consisted of Sirius, Severus, Peter and James and Remus was the target of their so called pranks? **

"Minerva…this…is the biggest tragedy that this school has seen in hundreds of years…"

"I know Albus. If only those poor boys had known they were dealing with a werewolf, then they would have never decided to lure him to the Shrieking Shack on the night of a full moon…"

**47) The couple has a sexual problem and they must seek help. **

"What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?"

"Well, doctor, it's all the fault of the fangirls, really. They have this crazy idea that Severus and I make a cute couple, and they go to great lengths to try to get us together. In the end, Severus and I gave up. We were too exhausted from always fighting with them, so we decided to concede and become a couple. We're managing fairly well, I might say. Today, we've spent a whole hour in eachother's company without fighting. The fangirls never looked more delighted. There is just one problem…of a -er…sexual matter…"

"You needn't be shy about it. I'm specialized in sexual problems, you can tell me everything. That's why you're here, after all."

"Yes, doctor. Er…you see, the problem is…we're both straight."

**54) Soon after OotP, Lupin is pregnant. Though he wants nothing more than to keep his child, he is forced to conclude that the best thing he can do is have an abortion. He goes to Snape, but Snape is disgusted by the very idea. Does Snape have an alternate solution to Lupin's problem? **

"I'm disgusted by this whole situation."

"Severus, I know abortion is a touchy subject, but-"

"Not that. I'm disgusted by the idea of you…and Black… urgh!"

"Severus will you help me or not?"

"Why don't I abort both the baby and you. I know, abortions so late after birth are uncommon, but think of it: that way you, Black and your –urgh- lovechild- can be happily dead ever after, and I get to live my life without any pesky Marauders in it! That way, everybody wins!"

**59) Snape must get married. Lupin volunteers. **

"You volunteer to be my Best Man and throw my bachelor party? Don't be ridiculous. You can hardly be called a man at all. I prefer someone more masculine for the job, like madam Hooch perhaps…even young Ginny Weasley will suffice I guess…"

**63) Trapped somewhere with a seriously injured Severus, how might Remus keep him connected to the living and what last confessions might Sev make? Can be a character death if you want. **

:slap!: "Stay with me Severus!" :slap!: "Stay awake!" :slap!:

"Lupin…stop slapping me…It's useless…I'm dying…"

"No! … This really is it, isn't it? You're really going to die. My god… Don't worry, I'll be here 'til the end. Is- is there anything you want to say, before –before you die?"

"You…expect me to…tell you…my most inner feelings? Ha! –urgh. Maybe if you were Albus…or possibly Minerva…but you…no way… Now shut up…and let me die in peace…"

**65) Remus is somehow given a chance to relive his schooldays (like a trip back in time or a look into Sev's pensive, etc.) and sees from a different prospective how cruel the Marauders treated Severus. Now he plans to clear the air once and for all. **

"Severus, Sirius…it's time to put an end to all this. I've called around and managed to get us on the Dr. Phil show."

**68) Remus catches Severus attempting suicide. How will he convince him to live again? **

"Don't do it Severus! Think of everyone you'll hurt! Loved ones –okay, my mistake, bad angle. Err, the students. They look up to y-okay, my mistake again. Err…the respect of your colleag– never mind…Think of all the fun times you –oh, who am I kidding. Err…Err… I've got it. Think of Sirius! If you commit suicide, he'll…he'll win! Yes, that's it, he'll be so happy when you're dead! Okay, very good, put the knife down. That's good, put it down. Very good."

**74) Because of a wayward student prank Snape and Lupin can't move more than a few steps apart from each other for one month. **

"Lupin, don't you think Voldemort will notice you in his inner circle of faithful Death Eaters?"

"Nah. He'll never penetrate my brilliant Groucho Marx disguise."

**76) Harry was hexed. Remus tries to get Snape to help, but the potion master has some conditions for the werewolf. **

"One: You must never talk to me again. Two: You must get Potter to never talk to me again. Three: You must get Black to never talk to me again –oh, I forgot, the veil already took care of that one… Three: You must never again show your face at Hogwarts…"

"Zzz"

"Eighthundred-and-nine: You will avoid all photocameras, lest I'd run the chance of accidentaly seeing you in the Daily Prophet, thereby ruining my day. Eighthundred-and-ten: You must…"

**77) Remus can't deal with Sirius' death and casts an oblivion spell on himself to get some rest. But it is stronger than planned - he forgets basically everything about his past. Dumbledore sends a reluctant Severus to "baby-sit" him. **

"So you're telling me that I have a little bit of House Elf blood in me, that causes me to intensely enjoy doing your household chores for you? It has been like that for years? Really? Alrighty then, hand me a mop and some soap and I'll start right away!"

**81) Severus is definitely straight, or so he thinks. Remus tries to convince him otherwise. **

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Avada Kedavra."

**83) Snape and Lupin each (separately) make a decision to adopt a child. And they're both stubbornly determined to adopt the same child. **

"Okay. You'll take his left leg, I'll take his right. On the count of three, we both pull. Whoever gets the biggest part of kid gets to keep him. Lupin? Get back here! I'm taking this as a forfeit on your part!"

**89) Lupin accidentally walks in on Snape bathing, and is horrified by the scars covering most of Snape's body. **

"Shampoo-accident. I don't want to talk about it."

**92) Remus owes someone a huge debt, and if it's not paid off by a certain deadline, he will be forced to go into servitude. Just before the deadline, the debt is paid anonymously. Remus assumes Dumbledore did it, but when he goes to thank him, he finds out Dumbledore didn't know anything about the situation. Remus is determined to find and thank his mysterious benefactor. **

"Severus… you paid off my debt?"

"No Lupin, I didn't pay it off. I took over the contract. That means that you'll be my servant when the deadline ends, which is in five, four, three, two, one…"

**93) Snape is unable to sleep, and even the strongest potions do not help. By accident, he finds out that sleeping next to Remus means he can get a full night's sleep. **

"It's remarkable isn't it? Your monotonous whining about love and camaraderie manages to induce a level of drowsiness in me that I've never experienced before!"

**104) Remus and Snape are forced to share a shower. **

"Let! Go! Of! The! Cold! Water! Tap!"

**105) Remus finds out that because Snape owed James a life debt, James had a right to force Snape to do whatever he wanted. What James wanted was for Snape to make a vow to never reveal his feelings toward Remus. Is there any way to safely break the oath Snape was forced to make? **

"Okay, three words. First word. First word sounds like…sounds like eye. I! Okay, second word. Sounds like…huge, big, great? Great! Sounds like 'great'. Er, mate, late, hate, - hate? Okay, second word hate. Third word…me? Oh, you mean 'you'. I…hate…you. 'I hate you!' Yes! What's the time?"

**107) Contrary to all the fics featuring "Snape Manor," Snape actually does not have a home. Which is why he is forced to move into Remus' one-bedroom cottage when Hogwarts is closed down for repairs. **

"Hello Lupin. Tell me, which broom-cupboard do you prefer?"

"Huh? I don't follow. What do you mean?"

"This. Petrificus Totalus!"

**114) Snape has closed himself off completely from all positive emotions. Now he can't express what he feels even when he wants to. **

"What is it Severus? What is it want to tell us? Did Harry fall into the well again? Go on, lead the way!"

**118) One disappears, and the other is convinced he did not (like everyone else thinks) go willingly. **

"But, Headmaster! Minerva! Do you really think that Severus would willingly volunteer to read CareBears books to children with Attention Deficit Disorder down at the public library?"

**120) One is convinced the other is spying on him / stalking him.**

"Severus, why by Merlin's prickly beard are you spying on me?"

"I don't know. War's over, and I'm bored…"

**122) Hogwarts castle is in ruins. Snape and Lupin are a vital part of the team working to restore the school. **

"I'll do the dungeons, you'll do the towers. That way the number of times we run into eachother is minimalized. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

**123) Snape just wants to get some work done. What does he have to do to get even an hour of peace? **

"Alright Lupin, let's play a game. It's called Hide-and-Seek. You count to one-googal, and I'll hide…"

**124) When Snape's cover is blown, he starts to feel as useless as Sirius did. Lupin recognizes the danger. **

"Severus? You…you're not going to start chewing up the sofa and barking at every passer-by, are you?"

**130) Snape and Lupin are being pursued by Death Eaters. They're a long way from safety and magical transportation cannot be used. **

"You know, if we dump some excess weight we'll go faster."

"Yes Severus, but- hey! Don't push m- Aargh!"

**131) Problems arise when one brings home a puppy. **

"Lupin, that is not a puppy."

"Yes it is. He's only two months old. I got him from Hagrid, I think I'm going to call him Fluffy Junior."

**138) Is it possible? Could Snape really have made a mistake in one of his potions? Lupin suffers the consequences, whatever they are (can be good or bad). **

"Okay, so I accidentaly gave you a Cleansing Potion instead of your Wolfsbane. But look on the bright side: when you transform your fur will look shinier than ever!"

**140) Lupin accuses Snape of holding a grudge for a "silly schoolboy prank" once too often. Snape decides to show Lupin just how awful the Marauders really were. **

"I'm sorry, Severus, I still don't see how this made us that awful."

"Check the calendar. You were wearing _white_. After Labour Day."

**144) Snape's a popular Slytherin...who's also a vampire. Remus is a lonely Gryffindor with a crush. Malfoy uses that crush to lure Remus to Snape's rooms..while Snape is having 'dinner'. **

"Severus, wake up."

"Wow. I just had the weirdest dream. I was _popular_."

**163) Remus/Snape hadn't realized his true feeling until Snape/Remus was dying. **

"Severus, I never wished you dead. But now that you're dying I must say I'm experiencing an odd feeling of satisfaction."

**165) It doesn't take a genius to know that Remus/Snape is in love with the other one. Does it? **

"Hello again, welcome to a new episode of 'Crush or Crash?' I'm Ted Tonks, your host for the evening. I would like to welcome our talented candidates for tonight –Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci and Stephen Hawking- who will each get to ask Remus here three questions to determine if he is or is not in love with his colleague Severus!"

**166) Harry and Sirius are worse than Molly Weasley when it comes to planning Remus' wedding day... **

"Hey Harry, how about a moonlight wedding?"

**167) Remus is oblivious of how gay men can have sex. **

"Here. Just watch this."

"What is it?"

"A classic. Werewolf Sluts 9."

**169) Remus/Severus is not so well endowed as everyone thinks. **

"What's wrong Severus?"

"Nothing. I –I just thought it would be bigger."

"What gave you that idea?"

"Well, everyone in Werewolf Sluts 9 was huge, so I just thought…"

**176) One cast a special memory charm over the other a long time ago, erasing a memory. However, the one who cast the charm has the power to lift it and restore the memory as well…. **

"Damnit Severus! I really need to know where I placed my keys!"

**179) Did anybody ever wonder why there are no female werewolves? So, Remus is a woman for three days every month, but she is not the calm, restrained Remus we all love. And yes she is also beautiful.(like Kylie Minogue ;) in my mind) **

"Why the grin, Severus?"

"I was just thinking of a musicvideo where some guy pounded a muggle by the name of Minogue on the head with a rock, killing her."

**181) One evening the picture of Mrs Black sees something new. **

"My my, that Weasley woman has some horrid taste when it comes to drapes."

**183) Remus can see dead people. (Like in "The Sixth Sense" with Bruce Willis). **

"I can see dead people!"

"Lupin, this had better not be one of your 'OMG you're a vampire!'-jokes."

**186) A potions accident during class turns the 'golden trio' into much younger children. So Remus and Severus have to look after them for the next two month, and we know how much Snape 'loves' our three heroes. BTW - the three are NOT 'good children' but they love their Dada Wuf. (Daddy Wolf/Remus) **

"Lupin, I've decided to take on the role of an 'old-fashioned dad'; the kind that works hard all day, comes home, ignores the children while he watches sports, and goes to bed. You take care of the brats."

**195) Alpha!Remus marks SS as his **

"Lupin, before I horrendously Avada Kedavra you into oblivion, please explain to me why you felt the need to piss up my leg?"

**201) For whatever reason, Lupin decides to go undercover to either monitor Snape's behavior or find out more about Snape. He does this by impersonating a student, house-elf, animal, inanimate object, or whatever. **

"Lupin, the next time you decide to impersonate one of my belongings, it would be wise to choose something other than my dartboard. Now hold still while I remove the dart from your bullseye."

**208) Snape, being a Slytherin, doesn't hesitate to force Lupin into a relationship by whatever means he has available to him. **

"Do you still want to know where you misplaced your keys?"

**209) There is something that both Snape and Lupin want. And neither one is willing to back down. Dumbledore, or someone else, steps in and makes them share, which is the last thing either of them is willing to do. **

"But Headmaster, how are we supposed to share the remote control?"

"I don't care, just think of something and don't make me come down here again. Goodbye."

"…"

"So…how about we both forget our programs and put in a copy of Werewolf Sluts 9?"

**213) Snape forces a student/students to get Lupin to fall for him. **

"Understood? When Lupin walks down the stairs you stick out your leg so he trips and falls."

**215) Before the movie came out, Lupin was depicted as turning into an actual wolf. Now we know it's part wolf, mostly monster. Incorporate Movie!Remus into your story, little mustache and all! **

"Lupin! Hold still! I´ve found Scabbers, he´s hiding under your nose! Hold still while I whack him!"

**217) Voldemort has a new weapon at his disposal. In order to gain strength, he is 'trapping' powerful wizards, witches, and dark creatures. Once they are trapped, he is able to use their power as his own. Snape and Remus find themselves trapped in this manner. **

"What do you think ol' Voldie will appreciate more: his newfound power of turning into a hungry, drooling beast at the moment inopportune times, or his newfound power of being completely shampoo-proof?"

**218) Remus becomes suspicious that something (or someone) is affecting Snape's mind, or that Snape is not himself anymore. **

"You _liked_ reading CareBears books to children with Attention Deficit Disorder?!?"

**220) Snape and Remus are stranded at sea or on a deserted island. **

"Oh joy. I get to experience the wonderful aroma of wet wolf fur combined with the wonderful feeling of sand up my nose."

**221) Snape and Remus as the parents in a retelling of 'Swiss Family Robinson' with Harry as one of the three children (add whomever else you want) and Draco as the rescued pirate (Death Eater?) captive. **

"Lupin? What's wrong?"

"I wanted to be the pirate…"

**223) A new law is passed. Werewolves are prohibited from any sexual contact. **

"Let me get this straight. If you have any sexual contact, any at all, you'll be shipped off to Azkaban?"

"Yes. Even if- Severus?! Why are you looking at me like that?!"

**227) Homosexuality is considered an aberration (or is punished harshly), and no one in their right mind would ever come out even to their closest and most trusted friends. By pure accident Snape and Lupin discover that both of them are gay. How will they deal with this after a lifetime of secrecy and loneliness? **

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay-"

"Lupin? You're gay too?!?"

**228) Homosexuality is not accepted in the Wizard World, and almost everyone keeps it a closely-guarded secret. Snape and Lupin are caught in a compromising position by at least two of their friends, colleagues, or students. **

"Er, would you believe us if I said I was trying out a new method of curing poisoning?"

**230) Snape, Lupin, or both of them, become trapped in a portrait. **

"Severus, do you realize how wonderfully your nose blends in with the cubistic environment?"

**234) Remus has arrived to begin teaching at Hogwarts, just as Harry Potter begins his FIRST year. (Philosopher's Stone.) Hopes to mend fences with Snape, and to go further than friendship are threatened by the sudden presence of his old friend, James Potter, who was not there the night Voldemort killed his wife and attacked his son. James has finally returned to the wizarding world after keeping Harry away from it for 10 years. Suddenly James is around a lot for Parent's nights, Quidditch matches, Christmas and teas with Dumbledore, playing 'Stag and hunter' with Hagrid, and his attitude towards Snape, the former death eater, has not improved. Will this arrogant and paranoid old friend cost Remus love? **

"Severus, about James…"

"Forget Potter senior! What I would like to know is, if you're teaching DADA, then why does that guy with the turban keep hanging around this place?"

**236) Body switch! Lupin and Snape switch bodies and lives for a period - and they can't let anyone know! What will they learn, walking a mile in each other's shoes? **

"You have a pebble in your left shoe."

**242) Dumbledore is homophobic. Remus and Severus suffer the consequences. **

"But Headmaster-"

"I'm sorry gentleman, but you may not watch 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' in the Staff Room again."

**244) The dungeons are described as a maze of corridors and rooms under the castle. Write a fic where Remus gets hopelessly lost and Snape is the only one with enough knowledge of the dungeons to attempt looking for him. OR, someone else gets lost and Remus must talk Snape into leading the dangerous search operation. **

"But Severus, the children might wander aimlessly throughout the dungeons forever."

"Serves them right for not remembering simple tricks such as following the righthand wall at all times."

"Maybe they'll even wind up in your quarters. They are in the dungeons after all."

"… Why are you still standing there? Let's get those children out of the dungeon! Go!"

**245) Remus and Snape are pulled into a book. The only way to get out is to act out the story. **

"Have you ascertained the academic angle of this alphabetical almanac yet, Severus?"

"Not altogether, as this 'A. Aardvark' aberration accomplishes astonishingly adequately in aggravating the already abysmal ambience with his atrocious allegories of amity and ardency."

**253) Remus suffers from chronic, unrelenting pain, which cannot be controlled by any known potion or therapy. Finally unable to bear his pain in silence any longer, he goes to Snape seeking the ultimate end to his suffering. **

"Severus, you are a chronic, unrelenting pain in the ass. Avada Kedavra."

**254) One of the men is under a curse. If he ever falls in love -- really truly in love, not just lust or a passing fancy -- then he is doomed to murder his lover on the stroke of midnight on their first anniversary. **

"Okay Severus, now that you're all chained and tied up I think we'll bypass this curse, since there's no way you can kill me now."

"Funny, how you seem to have forgotten that I am a Potions master. I poisoned you days ago with a lethal, slow-working potion that should set in right about…now."

**255) In OotP Remus comforts Molly Weasley by telling her that her friends would not let her children starve should anything happen to Molly and Arthur. Well, what if something did happen? How would Snape (who is by that time Remus' lover or husband) react to having to adopt Weasley children because Remus feels obligated? **

"But, but, they are already in their eighties and nineties!"

**258) Harry is missing following the final battle. Somehow the whole Wizarding World becomes convinced that in order to win Harry had to sacrifice himself. Everyone but Remus believes it. Remus is determined to search the whole world if necessary. Snape tags along, despite his belief that Remus has gone off the deep end from grief. **

"Did you check in the cupboard?"

"Yes."

"Behind the couch?"

"Yes."

"Under the rug?"

"Yes."

**262) An variation of the normal movie-challenge. Put our pairing in one film where Alan Rickman or David Thewlis already play a role, like for example Dragonheart or Sense and Sensibility. **

"Considering all the marvelous movies your portrayer has been in, why couldn't he have been in Werewolf Sluts 9?"

"By Grabthar's Hammer, shut up and help me find the brakes of this spaceship."

**272) Snape prepared well for the inevitable day when Voldemort would learn he was a spy. Among other things, he kept a potion stored in a hollowed out tooth, one that would allow him to be awake and aware, but appear dead. Perhaps even astral-project himself? Too bad he didn't tell anyone. What will he learn at his own funeral? Will he wake in time? Can be pre-relationship or established. Can be humor or angst. Or both. :) **

"Uh oh. I knew I should have gone for a burial instead of a cremation."


End file.
